So I watched the premiere of ER on Thursday night.

Very premiere-esque with lots of dramatic goings on, but I must admit to being somewhat distracted by a very familiar storyline.

Does anyone else think that County General's ER is the world most dangerous place to have a baby? In the perhaps seven years that I've watched this show (not to mention catching the whole series in reruns several times through), I can only count one time that a cast member or his/her spouse has gone through pregnancy and given birth "normally."

As chronologically as I can manage -- and with no research beyond my own recollection -- here's what we know:

Carol Hathaway gives birth to the first of her twins without complications but the second has a prolapsed cord and she must have a C-section, followed by the threat of a hysterectomy (which is averted in the end).

Peter Benton's son is born prematurely and spends some time on ventilators. Though the baby is finally released from the hospital, Peter discovers he is deaf from a medication given shortly after birth.

Jing-Mei Chen gives birth without an epidural and agonizes over giving her son up for adoption before she finally goes through with it.

Elizabeth Corday and Mark Greene's baby is endangered when Elizabeth goes into preterm labor after a fall. The eventual delivery happens uneventfully, though, I believe, without an epidural.

John Carter's girlfriend miscarries their baby very late in pregnancy. The baby had a loop of umbilical cord wrapped around its neck.

Kerry Weaver had at least one miscarriage before passing on the childbearing duties to her girlfriend, Sandy. Sandy goes into labor prematurely and the baby is in the NICU for sometime. (I don't really remember the details of this one very well . . .)

And finally, last week, Abby Lockhart and Luka Kovac's baby comes at 27 weeks gestation after a C-section. Abby must have an emergency hysterectomy to save her life (nothing but a cheap rehash of the Carol Hathaway birth, if you ask me).

So does no one in the Chicagoland area have a peaceful, uneventful, normal pregnancy and childbirth experience? (You know, like mine?)

As far as I can tell, Susan Lewis is the first and only employee of County's ER ever to have a textbook pregnancy and easy childbirth. So uneventful was the birth, in fact, that it never even occurred during an episode. The baby just appears as if by magic.

You'd think will all that great hospital-employee insurance and always available prenatal care, these folks would be coming out on top as far as babies go. Not so, it seems.

The moral of this story: if you want a happy, healthy baby and an easy delivery, you can start by quitting your job at County General Hospital. It's against their policy.

I saw a bumper sticker today that bypassed the usual idiocy of Calvin peeing on something or blather about where your money and your daughter go to college.

This one made me think.

No, not as in "thought provoking." This one made me think how little thinking some people actually do. Especially when they really think their thinking is right-thinking.

Try this one on:

"God Bless the people of every nation."

This interesting statement was paired with a very cheerful drawing of a dove with an olive branch. Just adorable.

I suppose I could have taken that statement at face value, but the presence of the dove made it pretty clear. The purpose of this sticker was to repudiate the millions of Ameri-fascists zooming through this country with "God Bless America" stuck to their rear ends.

The first thing about this bumper sticker that irritated me was the presumption that God is somehow doling out His blessings based on some kind of per capita sticker count. Perhaps this tofu-eating surrender monkey felt he should sport some Third World representation on his Volvo in order to snag other countries their share of the loot.

But not only is God scanning bumpers to apportion out His loving care, this sticker seems to imply that His good favor is limited. Once it's gone, it's gone. "Sorry, Micronesia. The U.S. got your share of My Favor." See ya next year.

The second thought that rushed over me was much more secular in nature: when God blesses America, He blesses every nation.

Did you know that in 2005, the U.S. government spent almost $24 billion on foreign aid? (See full article.)

That's right. That is $23,700,000,000 last year. To give you an idea, that is $1.3 billion more than the entire net worth of Microsoft cofounder, Paul Allen. And that's just what the government spent.

Private sources in the United States -- including corporations, foundations, churches, universities and volunteer groups -- accounted for another $20.5 billion in foreign aid.

So we're up to $44.2 billion.

That doesn't include the $23 billion contributed in 2005 by individuals sending money home, presumably to their relatives or families.

Do the math, folks. That is $67.2 billion dollars last year in U.S. foreign aid. Add Bill Gates ($50 billion) plus Michael Dell ($17.1 billion) and you're still a hundred million dollars shy.

It's no news to me that the United States gives away billions of dollars a year to support other countries around the world. We're a generous people. We love to help the downtrodden, even if they aren't our friends. This principal has borne itself out through our entire history as a nation.

God blesses America. And we use those blessings to bless others.

(The crazy part is that this enormous amount of foreign aid doesn't seem to hinge on whether the United States is actually blessed or not. Do we give less when our domestic economy suffers? I think not. The amount just goes up every year and America is too busy blessing others to ask if God is blessing us, too.)

But I submit to you that the blessings America passes on to other nations don't end with money. The American Dream is our best export. Millions of people around the world enjoy freedom and prosperity today because the U.S. believes democracy and liberty are worth sharing. Even worth warring. ("Gasp! Did she say 'war'???")

I suppose that's why this notion of blessing America at the "expense" of other countries struck me as not only ludicrous but so offensive that I desperately wanted to indulge in a little Volvo bashing.

Maybe next time.

Some of you already know that I have been "South Beaching" for almost four weeks now. There isn't anything else very interesting going on in my life right now, so I guess it's finally time for a boring diet post. Sorry.

I'll spare myself the embarrassment of listing my actual weight, but I can say that SBD has really worked for me. So far, I've lost 9.5 pounds and fully intend to stay with it until I lose the remaining . . . well, I won't say.

To be honest, I bought this book several years ago when I was in mourning for my metabolism that had dropped dead at the tender age of 26. I read some of the book but Phase 1 (the strictest phase) frightened me so much I never actually tried the diet. No bread, no pasta, no chips, no fruit for two weeks??? I don't think so.

Three years, one baby and "several" pounds later, I asked my doctor if she could recommend something beyond just exercise to help me lose weight. (I had managed to lose about five pounds with regular workouts but then I hit a plateau that just could not be overcome.) She recommended SBD as a safe, doctor-developed method of weight loss. Cool.

I started the diet on Saturday, August 19th. By Tuesday, I had lost 5.5 pounds and, no, it was not water weight. My clothes fit more loosely right away. Most of the pounds came right off my midsection, just as the book said they would.

Since then, I've continued to lose, albeit at a slower rate. Now that I'm in Phase 2, I'm supposed to continue to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week until I hit my "ideal weight."

The SBD Pros:
I loved having immediate results to reassure me that it was, in fact, possible for me to lose weight. I had begun to feel that something was wrong with me because I wasn't losing anything, no matter what I tried.

There are really lots of things you can eat, even in the strict Phase 1. Unless you're a vegetarian, in which case you're screwed. Just kidding.

You are supposed to eat if you're hungry. There's no calorie-counting, portion-measuring or other nonsense.

The diet was developed by a cardiologist to help his patients with high blood pressure, diabetes, etc., who needed to lose weight but already had fragile health. SBD actually improves blood chemistry without compromising your health like fad diets.

Actually, my SBD cooking has helped Scott gain weight (a healthy turn of events for him) -- possibly because of all the protein.

The SBD Cons:
The first few carb-less days can be tough. It helps to remove the no-no foods from your house and to have plenty of allowed foods on hand.

It can be hard to eat out. I've had to curtail my lunching with friends for a while until I can count on my willpower to keep me from cheating.

Recommendations:
If you're considering SBD, you should also buy the supplement book called "Good Fats, Good Carbs Guide." In it, there is much more detail about the foods you can eat (for example, turkey sausage for breakfast -- who'da thunk it?). I wish I'd had it during Phase 1.

Make sure you read the entire book. Don't just skim read. It's important to understand the whole book because it teaches how your body metabolizes food. If you're able to read a nutritional label and know what can help your weight loss and what can hurt it, you'll make better food choices. For example, did you know you shouldn't eat "fat free" or "low fat" foods? The reason is because most manufacturers replace the fat with processed carbs (such as sugar) which are worse for your health than the fat itself (dairy foods are the exception to this rule).

Be careful with nuts. The book doesn't spell it out but, although nuts are encouraged in all Phases, you should only have one serving per day.

Although the SBD doesn't hinge on exercise, it will help you lose the weight faster. (It's also good for you, but who cares about that?) Mind you, it doesn't have to be very much. For me, a thirty-minute walk-jog and some ab work three days a week is all I have time for.

All in all, I'm very pleased. I've lost weight and I'm not constantly starving. This is probably the healthiest I've ever eaten in my life, but it doesn't feel like I'm stuck with nothing but twigs and berries. I've also proven to myself that I do have the willpower to stick with a diet. I'm proud of me. Aren't you?

Just kidding.

Thanks to the intrepid efforts of my research department (a.k.a. my husband), it has come to my attention that the previous post contained one very egregious factual error.

The function of penis pumps is not to alleviate impotence but rather as a tool for enlargement.

First of all, my apologies for this reprehensible oversight.

Admittedly, and for a host of reasons, penis pumps are not my area of expertise. I am, however, fortunate enough to have access to the knowledge of someone who, while not well-versed in the minutiae of sexual enhancement ("If it ain't broke, why fix it?"), is at least more familiar with the Austin Powers Trilogy.

That said, I feel this revelation does not in any way undercut my premise. While Mr. Amin may be suffering from a different ailment than I alleged, his status as a persecuted victim of a size-ist Western society is unchanged.

"Subversive sentiments of rabid anti-flaccidity" are certainly mirrored by the blatant prejudices of a society where size does matter.

Ever try to pass a Hummer on a narrow road?

In the meantime, I owe an abject apology to impotent men for the false hope my comments may have offered. Without Mr. Amin at the forefront of your struggle for equality and acceptance, I am afraid you will be more dependent than ever on the former emblem of your movement.

But do not be dismayed.

Bob Dole is a good man. Bob Dole is a great American. Bob Dole also does Pepsi commercials.