The paranoia continues.

Streisand Goes to the Dogs

Barbra is now convinced that there's an assassination plot lurking somewhere out there -- probably in the Red States -- with her name on it.

The Star of the Decade is requiring K-9 explosive sweeps at all the venues for her 16-city U.S. tour. So what monster could be responsible for this malicious conspiracy against the genius behind such masterworks as Yentl, The Prince of Tides and four-inch acrylic nails?

My money's on George W. Bush.

I figure he got wind of her latest stunt -- using a Dubya-impersonator during her concerts -- and just can't take a joke. Here's how it went down, based on an actual transcript smuggled out of the Oval Office:

RESUME TRANSCRIPT

BUSH: Damn it, Dick! This North Korea nuke [expletive deleted] can wait. That major league a-hole, Streisand, is still making fun of me at her concerts. The heckler we sent to New York has only increased her resolve. We've gotta do somethin' . . .

CHENEY: But, Mr. President! You've always had a good sense of humor when people make fun of you. Think of the White House Correspondents' Dinner --

SATAN: (performed by Karl Rove) Excuse me for interrupting, Dead-Eye Dick, but I have an idea.

BUSH: Let 'er fly, Karl.

SATAN: Well, Sir, we've been trying to maximize the efficacy of the CIA in neutralizing potential terrorists, but without any live drills with which to train our people . . . Well, you get my drift.

BUSH: (to secretary) Get me Mike Hayden on the phone, pronto! (turning to Satan) Hey, Karl. Do ya think the Farm Boys'd wanna take a crack at that Able Danger bastard while they're at it?

END TRANSCRIPT

Personally, I think Babs should watch her six. Unless she wants her next concert to debut via videotape on Al Jazeera. Oh, she's Jewish, huh? Okay, maybe not.