Monday, January 29, 2007
WEIRDER NEWS: Hospice Helps Dying Man Lose His Virginity
Or in other words: "Now I can die happy."

Hospice Helps Dying Man Lose His Virginity

Why can't we get hospice services like that is this country? Leave it to the Brits to think of everything.

Yes, a British hospice agency assisted 22-year-old Nick Wallis in fulfilling his dying wish: to have sex.

Wallis, who suffers from terminal muscular dystrophy, had despaired of finding a girlfriend after striking out at university. That's where the Douglas House hospice staff stepped in and offered help securing Wallis a little, ah, companionship the old-fashioned way.

Wallis saved his pennies, the agency made some calls, his parents obligingly left town, and whammo.

Sing it with me now: "A Dream is a Wish your heart makes/When you're fast asleep..."

So was the Mystery of Sex everything Wallis dreamed it would be? Apparently not.

"It was not emotionally fulfilling," Wallis says, "but the lady was very pleasant and very understanding. I do not know whether I would do it again. I would much rather find a girlfriend, but I have to be realistic."

Alas, even the maturity and perspective offered by imminent mortality have not been able to insulate this brave young man from the most basic tenet of human behavior. There's nothing like availability to kill desirability.

Meanwhile, the hospice workers are participating in a BBC documentary about their efforts to assist dying children — hopefully by less Hustler-esque methods.

Do you think the Make-A-Wish Foundation in the U.S. will be adding this service to their offerings anytime soon? I forecast a number of homely (and horny) teenagers becoming violently ill in the near future...

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posted by Abigail Prescott at 1:05 PM ¤ Permalink ¤ 0 comments
WEIRD NEWS: Grandma Got Run Over by a Taser
And in other news, a man in Washington state is in deep kimchi for — get this — tazing his wife's 79-year-old grandmother during an argument.

Man Zaps Wife's Grandmother in Dispute Over Spanking

That's right, over a spanking.

The accused, Aaron de Bruyn, 26, threw down with his granny-in-law after she threatened to sick DHS on him for swatting his seven-month-old son's diapered bottom.

Seems the de Bruyn youngster was headed for some electrical cords and Gramma didn't take kindly to the punishment his Daddy meted out to stop him.

State the Lesson, Granny: No more back-seat parenting.

At least not when your grandson-in-law's toting 50,000 volts in his pocket.

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posted by Abigail Prescott at 12:47 PM ¤ Permalink ¤ 0 comments
Thursday, January 25, 2007
New Template?
Yes, I can't seem to leave my template alone.

What do you think of this one? Seems to go with the entertainment theme of many posts, but I can always go back to the old one...

I must have too much time on my hands.

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posted by Abigail Prescott at 9:47 PM ¤ Permalink ¤ 1 comments
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The Big Three-Oh-My-Gosh
Yes, it's finally upon me.

Age 30.

I'm trying to handle this with grace, but to be honest, it's a mental hurdle like I hadn't anticipated.

Turning thirty has wreaked the same havoc in my mind as the Mini Van Block (that childish resistance to buying an ever-so-practical minivan because it might make me look older than I want to appear).

So I'm struggling a bit.

My friend Erin was kind enough to send me this collage, citing women over 30 who are still hot. Thank you, dear friend! I needed it.

But pondering the likes of Kate Winslet, Eva Mendes and Reese Witherspoon got me thinking along other lines. Namely: Are there women under 30 who look worse that I do?

Thankfully, yes.

Seeing as I'm much cattier than Erin -- and it is my birthday -- I thought I'd indulge in the time-honored pastime of insulting other people to make myself feel better. I lettered in this sport, so rest easy, you're with a professional.

[Keep in mind, I didn't take the easy route and survey your average bingo parlor. I didn't even troll the waters of the local university-level Women's Studies department. These are "famous" women who've somehow or other made a name for themselves.]

First up in the Women Younger And Uglier Than Me category:


Chelsea Clinton


This is a product of simple math.

habitually-dishonest and debauched politician + embittered feminist attorney/activist = homely daughter with Stanford education


Next up, Christina Ricci


It's all a matter of taste, but I don't find her attractive. Perhaps it's her adherence to roles featuring some type of decapitation, ghosting or mayhem. Whatever. Not cute.



Britney Spears


Leaving Britney's Mother Of The Year campaign aside, a couple of years ago, my claim of superior attractiveness would have been laughed off the net.

These days, however, I think I can make a good case for it. Four words, Brit: Lay Off The Sauce.


And lastly, we have this little lady.

No, not Paris Hilton. Her dog, Tinkerbell.


Younger than me and uglier than me. Yes, yes, I know. Hairier than me, too, but it still counts.

In any case, for those 30 and older: Take Heart. Between dogs, drunks, psychos and the children of degenerates, there will always be people we can belittle to nurse ourselves through the rough times.

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posted by Abigail Prescott at 11:09 AM ¤ Permalink ¤ 1 comments
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Spy Movie Conventions
No, not the kind that will attract 40-year-old freaks to a hotel ballroom in droves. Conventions as in "conventional."

I'm working on a screenplay that got me thinking about the cliches of the modern spy film (James Bond films, Bourne Identity series, etc.). I won't go into what my screenplay is about, but what I'm trying to do is play against those conventions.

Here is a partial list:

1. Weak females who always have to be rescued and usually get killed. Not that they're ever interesting enough to make us miss them much.

2. Hero never seems to age or get tired. Just once, I want 007 to be too tired: "Not tonight, Pussy. Henchman #8 really kicked my ass . . ."

3. Hero has inexhaustible knowledge and consummate skills in...everything. Wine, weaponry, gambling, languages. You name it, he's an expert.

4. Villains are always over-the-top freaks. Nobody normal seems to gravitate to the world domination field anymore. Maybe we need a quota system.

5. Villains are especially creative when it comes to torture or execution. Apparently the villains have heeded U.S. gun restrictions better than most criminals because you'll never see them actually bust a cap in the hero.

6. Villains are always happy to explain the "whys" and "hows" of their evil plan. I guess even bad guys like to a little recognition now and then.

Do you have any cliches you'd like to add?

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posted by Abigail Prescott at 1:15 AM ¤ Permalink ¤ 0 comments
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
While She Was Out
My parents have been handing out the same tired line for Christmas, ever since I can remember.

"Don't buy me anything," Mom or Dad will say. "I have everything I need. Find something more important for your money."

Wouldn't you know it? The first year my Mother has ever responded to our pleas for an actual Christmas List is the year we had something else in mind. Something I knew Mom would never do for herself.

The weekend before Christmas, we (my Dad, my brother and sister-in-law plus me and my hubby, and with financing from my sister in Austin) contrived to have my mom go to St. Louis to visit her mother for a few days, thereby leaving us an empty house for our own version of Extreme Makeover.

Actually, we didn't do the whole house. Two rooms was enough for one weekend. Here are the results:

Before...


After...

Before...

After...


Before...

After...
The weekend was way too short and a few things were left for us to finish up. The glass table and chairs are temporary until the rest of the new furniture arrives (another armchair, plus a console table and cocktail table). Wood blinds are in the works. I also have my heart set on new lighting fixtures.

The artwork is now finished, except for the piece that will hang over the mantle with a few more odds and ends I have yet to arrange. Plus, the dining room will be getting new paper below the chair rail (a casualty of the idiots before us who put wallpaper on without priming the wallboard!).

Even so, we felt great about what we got accomplished in such a short time and Mom -- fortunately -- liked it. That is, as soon as she recovered from the shock. Here's her reaction upon arrival:


Love you, Mom!

 
posted by Abigail Prescott at 8:48 PM ¤ Permalink ¤ 1 comments